The Joy and Sorrow of Mother's Day

"Joy and Sorrow are this ocean/and in their every ebb and flow/now the Lord a door has opened/that all hell can never close/here I'm tested and made worthy/tossed about and lifted up/in the reckless raging fury that they call the love of God."  Rich Mullins, The Love of God

If you read my other blog, you know that I talk a lot about the combination of joy and sorrow, and how so much of our lives are a mingling of the two. Just like in the movie with the emotions, sometimes we have to experience sorrow to really, truly know joy. I think that's the shape of Mother's Day for most women. There are just so many ways for it to be wrong, even when it's right. There's this deep sense of loss that happens, even with the best of moms, realizing that we just aren't going to be everything we thought we should have/could have/needed to. And there's a sense of failure a little too, when you're being celebrated but feel a little empty because of the places we lack. Then there's the whole infertility problem for so many ladies. Ouch. And then there's the relationship with your own mom, even if you're a mom yourself. (I don't have issues with my mom, but I know lots of people who do, including my own mom). I've never really liked Mother's Day because I don't feel like there's no need to celebrate the mundane everyday things. But I'm probably wrong, and it does give people a chance to think about the things they can be grateful for.

Ten years ago, I walked out of the church service in tears. Not just whimpering, threatening wet eyes, but full-on bawling tears. The lobby was empty except for one mom, a family friend, who saw me and knew exactly why I was crying. She just came and held me and recognized that "it hit me like a ton of bricks". I was four months out from a still birth experience. It was the baby's due date that day. And they were doing these child dedications with all of the babies who had been born that year. I just couldn't.

And I think all that has left this indelible sadness in my heart that resurfaces at the strangest times. Often on Mother's Day. With four beautiful girls who love me and really are perfect in so many ways, I don't need to be unhappy. I don't need to dread the church service and the ten thousand "Happy Mother's Days" that come my way all day long. But I kind of do. The majority of people I talk to have no idea that my heart is squished in between the joy and sorrow of motherhood. The war waging between what it "should" be like, and what it actually is. And that's OK. I'd prefer that the whole world doesn't know. But what I do prefer the world knows, is that Mothering is complicated. And the emotions that come in this messed up world are just hard to explain. I love my kids and I love being a mom, and I probably wouldn't trade it for anything. But that doesn't mean I've nailed this gig, and it doesn't mean I don't notice the others who are suffering from lack and loss on a day that we all just wish could be a nice special day. I'm there with you, Mamas. And even more so, God is with us in all the ways we suffer, He sees and knows us, and He's even brought healing to those places I really thought never would be whole again. And that's my message on Mother's Day.