I haven't had lots of time to write lately and I haven't been very inspired to write anything either. It's been a hard few months. There's a lot things happening and I can't really put them into a blog post. But when busy life settles and I lie awake in bed for a while, my mind settles on a few of these pressing things, which become woven into my whole thought life.
After Christmas we kind of knew my husband's aunt didn't have a lot of time left with us. She's had cancer for a few years, and it was a reoccurrence after a 10-year break from breast cancer. We've been spending the last couple of months just trying to make time to be together with her, watching the family waiting and just... holding on to strands of hope. There were surgeries and hospital stays and lots of prayers and trying to figure out how to help and mostly just trying to stay out of the way. In the last month we knew that death wasn't too far off. We had a sweet time together at a family game night where she was lucid and played Taboo with us and talked for the night.
Two weeks later, she was on the couch, barely able to open her eyes. This time we gathered and talked with each other. We had a time of singing together, husband on the guitar, playing familiar hymns that we've sung together at Thanksgiving for years and years. The songs she liked. It was a beautiful time and I can't even do it justice with words. There's something about being in the presence of the question of eternity that makes us more alive, more present. We value each other more in a house of mourning.
At the same time as this, the church we go to (and most of the family in town also attends) has decided to change some things, which sent us into this strange uncertain upheaval with a lot of questions and worries and unsettled conversations. It sent me to my knees in prayer, and I'm thankful for the changes, really. I'm thankful for a church that wants to awaken to the needs of the world around them and stay sensitive to that. It's complicated, like always, when you involve 1000 people in any decision. But it's made room for lots of really good conversations. It's drawn attention to a kind of complacency that's hidden in the shadows of a healthy church. When things are going well, you don't really take stock of what's happening. You keep on with the course you've been on. But every ship has to be steered at some point or it will end up drifting with the currents. So. Some steering.
These two situations seem to have nothing in common with each other, really. They overlap in my life and my stress life, but probably not much outside of the rest of the family. But for me the thread that ties them together is the relationships with people and the way we love each other, and the way we love the Lord together. It's hard to explain, really, but when the things you've found to be secure footing start to shake a little, you realize what you're actually holding onto. It puts you in this uncertain place. These situations have birthed really good conversations and meaningful insights into my own heart. I appreciate the opportunity to talk about deeper things, things that aren't clothes and food and kids. Unspoken in those times together in church and with the family have been the words "I love you". It doesn't have to be said to be felt. We value each other because we've walked through hard roads together. And that's something I'm able to hold onto when the foundation starts to shift. It's always about the relationships and the strings that tie us together. It's the bond of family, and the unifying cord of Jesus and His love for us.
No comments:
Post a Comment