42

 "It's my birthday tomorrow. No one here will know. I was born this Thursday, [42] years ago. And I feel stuck watching history repeating. Who am I just a kid who knows [s]he's needy... Let me know that you love you me. Let me know your touch. Let me know that you're near me, and let that be enough." -Switchfoot, Let that Be Enough

Douglas Adams infamatized the number 42 when he penned it as the answer to life, the universe and everything. But I'm sitting here now, age 42 and thinking I have fewer answers than I ever have, and probably more questions than ever too. 

I've grown a lot since I was 30, and even more since I was 20, and I think in your 40's is when you arrive at a place that gives you enough wisdom to operate in the world without causing turmoil, but maybe not enough wisdom to stay way from it altogether. I've enjoyed this phase of life, being able to pour into younger people of all ages, feeling like I'm established financially, socially, and spiritually. (Emotionally is its own mixed bag always, probably). I've enjoyed the long, stable friendships and the new fresh ones with new perspectives to learn from. I've seen a lot of trouble and it keeps rolling out in front of me like that ocean or the sky, on and on as far as you can see. But while I have suffered and struggled, I've also found a new kind of peace in being able to see that these things are temporary. Now I've lived long enough to know that I probably will outlive these particular trials, that they aren't going to make up my entire life, and there will be light on the other side. Maybe that's what 42 looks like.

That does not negate the pain, just the amount of heartache I have over the pain. This year has been one of the hardest ones I've experienced. There have been other hard years, phases. Maybe every 5-7 years one hits that's really just terrible. This one was one of those, where things just haven't aligned very well, and no one person in our family seems to be all the way OK at any given time. We're moving forward, though. I'm moving forward.

I learned things about forgiveness this year that I thought I'd learned all those years ago, during one of the hard years. I learned about humility, that mistakes other people make that hurt you are sourced in the same way your hurtful mistakes are, through sin and selfishness that keeps you from surrendering to God. I would much rather be superior and see myself as righteous than admit to any wrongdoings. But the work of forgivenses is deciding to release that control and seeing yourself just as desperately in need of mercy as the person who wronged you. 

I learned about love in new ways too, how love can almost kill you with how much it hurts, to be attached to someone who's failed you and will continue to fail you (not my husband, FTR). I've felt the pain of betrayal in a way I never knew I could, a way I thought I'd escaped in my twenties and wouldn't have to ever deal with. Lots of people can betray you, but when it's your friend in ministry, it cuts deeply, into your spirit as well as your heart. 

I've felt the pain of having a child who can't seem to find success even though she tries so hard, and who can't seem to get a win in any arena. You're helpless to fix it, and you become the target of their frustration. It's heart wrenching on both accounts. Teenagers are harder than I thought they'd be. Loving a child through their growing up is a challenge and if I'd known what it would look like before I had babies, I never would have signed up.

But in all these things, Love puts its perfection on top and seeps through all of the cracks and fills them up like kintsugi pottery, cracks repaired with gold, cracks repaired by a perfect God who cares more, cries more, and loves better than any of us ever could. Consolation in hurting comes from Jesus, who also suffered a life of not belonging, of betrayal, and who still gets betrayed by those he loves every day. I betray Him in my own life, and it's foolish to blame a betrayer for all of the damage you experience from the betrayal. It's easier to do that, but in the end it just hurts it more. Consolation for my hurting child comes in realizing the pain God felt as Jesus sacrificed himself, as God relinquished his own son for our healing and reconsiliation. Consolation in all of my failures comes from the cross, where Jesus' blood covers all of my own failures and faults and allows me to have Love as my own and to experience it personally.

I experienced that love through the hardest moments--God whispering to my heart, "Love believes all things, bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." Over and over and over. When I want to say it does fail, He proves that He doesn't fail.  When my love fails my kids, His love perfects them. When I know that my love isn't strong enough to believe, His is. When I feel like I can't bear any more pain from loving, He gives me strength to in the way He loves me. And when I lose hope, He shows me there is still hope. My love does fail, and all of my peoples' love fails me, but God doesn't, and He can make things new and better even in failure, loss, and pain. 

So in spite of the great cost of loving this year, God has woven His love into the wounds and repaired, generously giving me all that I need, patiently sewing, pouring and rebuilding what I can't fix for myself. Filling me back up with all that I poured out.

I don't believe in new year resolutions and I've never been a fan of that thing where people come up with a word for their year. Like you could possibly plan that. But last month God very clearly gave me the word renewal. Not for 2024 or even for age 42, but renewal in all things that this last year left me with. He's the only one who can redeem the stuff, so I'm hoping and beleiving in Him for that. Renewal.

Favorites from the Year

 Some of the things I liked in 2023

Best Fiction: A Girl Named Sampson by Amy Harmon This is a story about a girl who joins the American Revolution disguised as a man. While the characters aren't all exactly realistic, it was an engaging story that gave a human face to some of the battles we've read about in history. That was what I enjoyed about it. 

The Last Thing He Told Me - I was in a book club last spring, which was good motivation to read some fiction books I wouldn't normally read. This one was probably the favorite one out of all of them. It kept you guessing the whole time, a mystery with a little bit of action. Basically, the wife finds that her husband has disappeared with just a message to her to protect his daughter. So she and the daughter go on a hunt to figure out what happened to him, trying to avoid marshalls and FBI agents and uncover the truth about who he is. It was strangely familiar to a crime podcast I listened to, but that's another story...

Best Classic: 
Farenheit 451 - This is probably my all-time favorite science fiction/dystopian novel. I've read it multiple times. We also did that in my book club. Every time I read it, it feels more relevant, and every time I see more insightful truths come from it. If you haven't read it, definitely make time this year to and think about the way we consume media, and the way we use books. It's fascinating.

Best Non-Fiction

The theme for my non-fiction this year was "suffering". I read multiple books in this category and I would highly recommend them all. I think my favorite one was...
Suffering by Paul David Tripp - I actually purchased this to give to a friend who was going through cancer, but as I started to read it I just couldn't stop. While we were watching our daughter have surgeries in the hospital this year, the words from David Tripp about suffering felt so relevant, and so assuring. He breaks down different traps suffering people can fall into, and then breaks down the consolations we receive from our relationship with Jesus.

Honorable mentions in this category: Suffering and the Heart of God by Diane Langberg, and Prayer in the Night by Tish Warren Harris. Also about suffering. There were a lot of other books about other topics I read, but those were my favorites this year.

Favorite Podcasts:

The Roys Report - Julie Roys reports about things happening in the Church, mostly abuse and scandals. I find her to be pretty unbiased most of the time, and I appreciated the topics of choice as I worked through my own church issues. It's good to have a big picture and a bigger perspective about some things. I love how much she cares about people who are oppressed and hurting.

The Deck Investigates - This is a deep dive into a specific crime (usually a murder). While I can't listen to them all the time, I do like the true crime podcasts. I try not to overdo it.

Batman Unburied - Not the most wholesome (none of these are I guess) and definitely not family friendly. These are like those somewhat less appealing offshoot comics that don't get any fame. Intriguing mysteries that leave you guessing what will happen. There are some REALLY funny commercials in some of them too.

Literary Life - Some homeschool people talking about different works of literature and how it fits into the lens of modern society. This one is wholesome and educational.

Favorite Music:

Music taste really does change over time, doesn't it? I never wanted to be one of those old people who only listened to music from their time, but I often find myself digging out some 80's and 90's these days, even songs I hated at that time remind me of being young and dumb, and somehow I enjoy them. Some other musicians I've appreciated this year:

John Mark McMillan - I've been familiar with some of his music before, but this year I listened to all of the albums and dove into the lyrical wealth of his poetry. I wish his voice were different, and I personally thinks he needs a producer and final tuner to fix some imbalances in the sound, but I overlook those things because I really just like the stuff he says.

Iron Bell Music - We've sung some of their songs in church but I stumbled onto some I hadn't heard and found myself listening on repeat through a hard time this summer. "My Confidence" and "Faithfulness" were my top songs on spotify this year.

Chris Renzema - I knew about him, but I hadn't listened much until this year. The man knows some stuff about hard times and healing, and the upbeat sounds of his songs is encouraging on days when I'd rather listen to sad songs. Sometimes I listen and feel conviction and sometimes I find comfort, but it's been ministering to me all year at different phases of forgiveness.

Billy Joel - Again, this was obviously not the first year I've ever heard Billy Joel music, but I decided to listen through every one of his albums this year to note the similarities and his influience over other music of the time. I very much enjoyed doing that, although I only REALLY like about 1/4 of the songs. The radio hits aren't as insightful as some of the more unplayed ones, so if you feel like following that trail check it out and tell me what you think.

Judah Akers of Judah and the Lion - Maybe he isn't the best role model in the world, but he writes songs about God's love and sometimes I just need to sit and soak that in. I also enjoy the band music but it's a different vibe. 

Favorite Series/TV

I watch more than I should and I'd probably be ashamed to admit everything I've spent time on this year. The mainstays were The Office and Parks and Rec because sometimes I just want to laugh. I've been enjoying "The Irrational" this winter. I like detective shows, and this particular detective is a behavioral science professor. And a burn survivor. I really like that element of it, just because it's something a little different as far as weaknesses go, and I always like when the world normalizes things that are already normal in our lives.

I bought a trial of Paramount Plus so I could catch up on what's happening in the Star Trek universe. That was worth it. Picard season 3 did not disappoint (like season 2 did), and for the most part I very much enjoyed Strange New Worlds, which keeps the continuity of the original series and the next Generation pretty well, also preserving the individualized plot lines for each episode, while at the same time the ongoing interpersonal crew drama. I like Captain Pike and the take on young Spock is my favorite part I think.

Also over the last two years I've watched every episode of Law and Order SVU and Organized Crime. I don't know... it just got out of hand and then I needed to fill in the gaps between what was showing now and what I missed in the... you know, 20 years since I started watching back in the day. My sister has been watching also so we discuss the various things about it, mostly the different ADAs who come on the show, since that is my sister's profession. I don't necessarily recommend the show, but I love the detectives' chemistry and all of the interpersonal drama. I don't think anyone watches that show for the cases.

Well, that's a summary of some hits this year. Of note, I finished reading through the Bible, something I started in 2020. I'd decided to do that instead of taking a clipped pace to get through it in a year, and then not having time to read other things and savor what I was reading. The Psalms meant a lot to me this fall as I entered a phase of depression. And at the same time I started studying 1 and 2 Timothy with my home Bible study. So that's that. Tell me some of your favorites in the comments.

2023's Greatest Hits

This has been a hard year. That makes it hard to write any of the things most people write in their Christmas letters like "we had a blessed year" and "God is so good to us". Those things are very true, even truer after a hard year. That doesn't make it a bad year, just a year--we enjoyed many good things. But after a hard year it feels disengenuous to brag about all of the accomplishments and highlights without acknowledging the difficulties. So here is an attempt at a yearly update that isn't depressing but is still realistic. Becuase that's where I'm trying to live my life right now.

Life on our little acerage is full of messes and magic. We had some kittens born and are up to 4 who hang around the property (and hopefully no more). Our dumb dog Diesel is always up to mischief but he keeps the critters away and tries to protect the house, so we keep him around. I kind of enjoy having an enthusiastic greeting every single time I drive into the garage.
There are always chicken dramas being played out in the hen house. Daniel spends as much of his spare time as he can working on tractor projects, chopping wood, and using the tractor he spends time fixing up and improving. The girls all enjoy outside time, exploring the woods and running free and wild.

In January, we took a quick weekend trip to Chicago and went to Medieval Times with the kids who hadn't ever been there before. We'd been studying middle ages in school so the timing was good. We showed them some of the downtown sites and watched "Adventures in Babysitting" which takes place in Chicago. 

In Feburary Jayna and I attended a Bright Lights conference for moms and daughters at the Ark Encounter in Kentucky. We got to stay with good friends who live in Cincinatti, and learned about speaking truth to your heart. Jayna enjoyed seeing the replica of Noah's ark and took lots of pictures.

In March I attended a homeschooling conference with some of my other mom friends who homeschool (and one who doesn't but just likes to come with us). Speaking of homeschooling, for those interested, we are still at it. Stacy and Lois are still in Classical Conversations and I enjoy having a community of friends who are doing the same stuff as us. We get to do a lot of exploring and reading about subjects we find interesting, and the girls are learning a lot of useful and not useful things about history, science, music, art and everything in between.
Arlene has transitioned to more online classes and will be taking some high school classes at the public high school as well. She still isn't sure about her plans for the future, but being a pilot is one of her serious options. Jayna is still exploring all of her potential while we try to find the best ways to educate her with what she likes and needs to get her to her career goals.

Which takes us to April, when we wrapped up our year at Classical Conversations. For a special treat, I got pied in the face. the kids in our Essentials class which teaches grammar and math, had an insentive to be the ones who practiced copying charts the most. Whoever got the highest amount could put a pie in the face of the mom of their choice. Having spent the spring being a goof ball with some sixth grade girls, and having tutored a class of 4th graders, I was the logical choice. I don't really hope to repeat that experience but it was funny and I love those students a lot.
Jayna participated in the musical State Fair with the homeschool assistance program, something she very much enjoyed. She was a pickle judge. we also got to see some of the fruits of a year with a new piano teacher for Arlene. She still loves playing and has flourished with an instructor who has honed in on technical details, music theory, and self-teaching. 

In May Daniel got to experience a career highlight. His team of engineers took a three-week trip to Alaska to demonstrate their radio to the military at a giant military thing. His job is technical and I never have any idea what he actuall does. It was a successful and rewarding trip but full of work, work, work. He and his team stayed together at a mansion in the mountains and spent every waking hour together. Thankfully they get along pretty well, and did manage to squeeze in a couple of sight-seeing things whle there. Of course Denali was on the top of the list.
My friend from college, Meagan, came to visit during that three weeks, a nice break in the three weeks of single parenting for me. We only see each other once a year at most, so we filled up the time getting the garden ready, eating tasty food, and exploring some unique spots in Cedar Rapids.
May also held some very hard moments for me personally as the youth pastor I've served with for five years lost his position. That involved a lot of heartbreak for a lot of people I care very much for, including myself. Then helping a friend in crisis took up the second part of the month, as well as a family emergency that hospitalized a sister-in-law and three of her children.

Meagan and me at the Noleridge Greenhouse

The happy reunion

 After crazy May settled, we decided to take a family vacation in June. We'd been thinking Colorado, but when the forcast was rain for the whole week, we switched plans and drove south to Tennessee and stayed in the Great Smoky Mountains at a cabin. We enjoyed hikes to waterfalls and exploring the culture of that region. A fun story from that trip: I left my purse at a Waffle House on the trip down, and spent the whole week trying to call them and locate my purse but they were not answering the phones. Checking the credit card useage and finding no charges, I just decided to leave that in the hands of God and enjoy the vacation time instead of cancelling every card. We swung back through Kentucky waffle house on the way home and, praise be, the waitor there had immediately seen my purse and locked it up. He said he'd tried to find me on facebook and attempted to find any contact info but couldn't, so he just kept it. They recognized me the minute I came in. What a gift to have strangers who chose to be the good in the world.

We spent the summer doing summery things like youth group trips, camp, and hanging out at the parks and pools. Despite a drought we had a bumper crop of wild berries, so I canned several batches of jam. (among other things like tomato sauce and green beans). This is a recent endeavor of mine that expands every year.
We attended four weddings, one for our babysitter who Stacy is named after, and one for our nephew, the first of their generation to tie the knot. The other two weddings were for family friends, who happened to be cousins of Stacey the babysitter. 

At home with a therapy pet in the hospital

August was extra full with preparing for school. I took a trip to Atlanta to visit my sister and had a great time relaxing while she and her husband did all of the cooking, cleaning, planning and driving. I got to see the Gone with the Wind Museum, hike through a woods where some Avengers movies were filmed, and take in the sights and sounds of Atlanta.
Stacy decided to get baptized which was a wonderful milestone for her. 
At the end of August Jayna underwent surgery #15 for her burn injury. This time they were releasing some of her tight skin to allow better growth and development. She had a second surgery four weeks later in September, a skin graft to cover the open areas that had released. She spent most of those two months focusing on healing, and I spent most of them caring for her. With physical therapy, she's gained almost all of her mobility back, something that hasn't been the case since her original injury. She handled all of that with grit and bravery, as she always has. She honestly didn't complain about the inconveniences of it or try to make anyone feel sorry for her. She just powered through and did everything she needed to. That girl knows her way around a hospital room and almost has a different personality when she's among the caregivers of the medical world. She's planning to be a child life specialist and work at a hospital some day.

In October we enjoyed another piano recital for Arlene, after which Stacy and Lois decided they also wanted to take piano lessons. For Fall Fest at church, we went as brand mascots, except Stacy who wanted to be a cat. Jayna was Blue Bonnet, Lois was Sun Maid, and I was Little Debbie, which I'm pretty sure is a costume that will never be topped. It was annoying that so many people thought I was there to hand out snacks, though...

In November I took a random trip with two of the homeschool moms to Chicago to see Hamilton and go to the Field Museum. that was a highlight of the year for me. We got in lots of good memories and conversations. Even though I wouldn't call myself a Hamilton fan, I very much enjoy live theater and soaked in every second of it.

December filled up with the usual December things, and here we are, the last week of the year, reflecting and relaxing. Looking forward to a better year in 2024, just as we always do. Hope is a beautiful thing that keeps us moving through hard times and huge transitions. We're always hopeful of better times ahead. We studied Revelation in church this fall, which established a hope of the future, of a time when there won't be big let-downs and needs for surgeries and failed attemps at teaching and learning. We're hopeful of the days when Jesus returns and makes "everything sad untrue" as the hobbit likes to say. Until then, we rely on our faith to take us through and give us the consolation and fortitude to continue. Blessings to each of you who took the time to read this long letter. I'm more thankful than ever for friends who show up and pray and care, and friends who stick around year after year. Happy New Year and may it be everything we hope for--and more.

Valleys and Scars

 What do you do when your soul is broken open and the only way you know how to heal it is to write, but it seems all of the words you normally have are strangling in the lump in your throat and your heart can’t seem to handle one sentence?

What do you do when your heart breaks and you want to run and hide but you have people depending on you and daily duties that can’t go undone, and your heart is pounding but you can’t stop to think?

What do you do when you long for a friend to share you burden but all of your friends are either too busy with their own burdens, don’t want to know, or don’t know how to share yours?

I guess the only answer there is, is the Answer Himself—Christ’s own broken heart that heals us, his own scars that speak into the darkness and the wounded hands that hold us on those long nights when no one else can see us cry. He’s the one friend who’s always been there for me, who continues to lead me through valleys and streams and deserts, who is strong enough to carry all of the burdens no one wants to hold for me. He tells me to climb on his back and take his yoke, welcomes my pain in his gentle and lowly way. He knows my heart more intimately than any friend or husband, and he sees my pain so vividly, enters into it, and engulfs me in his own scarred heart to remind me I’m not alone.

I have to hold on tightly to that every day, knowing that living will bring scars, but also rewards. His hand will guide me wherever I go, into the valleys and onto the mountain peaks.

Heatbreak

When people say their hearts are broken, you usually think of a relationship ending, a break-up of the romantic kind. I never had to break up with anyone or be broken up with but I have lost a child. And I know that sometimes our hearts break over other things that are just as painful, if not more, than losing a love.
In May I had a ministry heartbreak and I'm still recovering. I'm thinking it's going to take a while. I can't even explain the heartbreak I'm going through because it involves other peoples' private lives, but I can write poetry about it. 

HEARTBREAK

My heart has been broken in small ways

Thousands of times

Cuts and bruises, occasional splinters

Sometimes by knives thrown my direction

Unintentional shrapnel from others’ decisions, and fights

Or sometimes intentional stabs that aim and miss and hit somewhere else

Sometimes it’s more of a stretching, tearing

                 a realization that life can’t stay on this same course

Like seeing those first steps and knowing one day they’ll run

Or the last glimpse as they wave and board the plane

The slow and painful pulling away of a heart that was once glued to yours

 

My heart has been shattered

six times 

In the irrevocable way—healing somehow but different in the end, mangling up into a harder kind of heart

                Scar tissue

pulling in painful positions and remains visible forevermore

The repair happens with time and listening and waiting and care

But the heart that got beaten in the process

                never beats the same, never sees the same

                                And no time can heal that

No truth is big enough to unwind the truth that a person you loved isn’t who you thought they were

That the world is worse than you ever believed

That God sometimes gives us crushing weight and allows damage that only he can fix

                And that sometimes he chooses not to or we choose not to allow him and we live with the occasional punched-gut feeling of remorse

 

Erosion of confidence is a hard, hard end

And then it seems there’s no way forward

Except to grab the only hand that’s there and let it pull you back toward the light

        mending and embracing and waiting for whispers of truth

To pour into those cavities and cracks within the shattered heart

 A glimpse of wisdom that fills the void left where innocence once lived

Christmas Simplicity

One thing I know about my family is that we're pretty bad with traditions. Whenever people start talking about their family's Christmases, I realize again how growing up, we never had those special things we did every year. We did special things together; they were just different (and random) every year. A tree would usually show up and I remember Dad bringing out a string of lights wound up on a homemade wooden frame, and they were still always tangled despite his efforts. We had some ornaments that we always used and I think we went to church. Dad usually did a devotion before on Christmas Eve after dinner, and the one thing that stayed consistant was that we had to wash dishes before we could open presents.

But that's about all that I have. It's not because of dysfunction or or poverty or any sad orphan story. I guess it's just that my parents broke away from their families and, like every parent, just kind of flew by the seat of their pants through some of these things. 

And maybe Christmas wasn't as big of a deal in the 80's before the internet advertisements got out of control. I think commercialization was just beginning to take on a new form and maybe hadn't reached my boomer parents yet. I remember poring over the Radio Shack catalog, but never expecting to receive anything from it as a gift. I remember commercials for elaborate toys and sometimes going to Toys R Us and looking around. But our lives were simple and my parents didn't have a lot of money, so I think most of our gifts arrived in the UPS boxes that came from relatives. I don't remember the gifts. I genuinely only remember two things: A container of colorful hairbands one year, which my mom accidentally gave to my dad to open, and a pack of Bazooka Bubble gum (which I made REAL GOOD use of for about a month). Maybe I've just gotten old and those things were childish so they've faded from my memory. 

But I have a pretty vivid memory, and what sticks out from those early traditionless Christmases is just time with my family in a cozy old farm house with green shag carpet, watching network Christmas specials together and eating popcorn. A generous Christmas Eve meal and extra cookies, and just beautiful simplicity. Maybe all people feel that way as they get older, that their lives were more simple as children and the world has gotten more terrible and dark. Maybe it really has. I don't know, but I do know I treasure those breaks from school when everyone could be together, and I treasure them now too. Nowhere else to go, no traditions to uphold or programs to be at. Just a few days here in the new homestead with a Christmas tree, a fire, and youtubes of the network Christmas specials. And a few days with my parents and siblings, remembering and laughing together, traditionless, but bonded nevertheless. 

Middle School and Bethany and Jesus' birth.

 I keep trying to think of something profound to say about this last year, but nothing comes to mind. In most ways, we're in a holding pattern, just plugging through the normal, mostly mundane things. There weren't any major milestones or big family trips (just a quick getaway to nashville for me and D). BUt Christmas is on my mind, and I realized that this year has been a lot of me remembering my life in the phases my kids are in. Having teenagers is hard and painful because you just have to watch them learn things and suffer and grow on their own. They don't really want your advice and they pretend they aren't listening when you give it. But it's also painful because it's a reminder of who I was at age thirteen, fifteen, sixteen. Middle school was very difficult for me, so while I watch my own middle school daughter try to navigate that complex world, I'm reliving my own memories of never fitting in or having the right things to say, of losing friends and trying to find new ones. I thought about it a lot this year, about friendship and loss and the pain of growing up. As adults we still suffer those same heartaches, but we have the persepctive to know that we'll survive, we'll keep making it, keep meeting new people. That it isn't hopeless and we aren't losers because someone doesn't like us.

At least I think we have that perspective.

I've been thinking about my best friend Bethany and the way she stuck by me through middle school. I was probably an awkward, difficult person who did embarrassing things and had too many opinions and negative thoughts. I think I was loud sometimes, but she laughed at my jokes and she invited me to things when no one else did. We wrote stories together and even though she was beautiful and always getting guys' attention, she still didn't mind hanging around tom-boy me with my ridiculous fashion taste and really bad hair days. She was a gift to me in a lonely time of my life. She still is a gift to me because she didn't leave me through that, and I can still call her up and hear her voice and know I'm okay even when the rest of the world feels crazy. She's solid ground for me when my world slips all around. She's there with truth and prayers and comforting words of encouragement.

And I guess thinking about that brings me to thinking about Jesus. Because all of the times growing up when I was alone, when I felt rejected and ugly and really truly despaired, I had Jesus there with me, and it didn't feel as bad. I heard his words that He'd never leave me, that he loved me and made me and had plans for me. I believed the promises about the future with Him, about blessings when people curse, and overwhelming love that never lets go. And I guess at Christmas, I just think about the way He came to be with us. He just joined the world full of selfish people with their own agendas and gave up all of the power that he could have used to judge and condemn, and used it instead to love and save. He walked into the world's giant mess and made the biggest things that were wrong right again. And I guess that's a friend that I can always count on.