42

 "It's my birthday tomorrow. No one here will know. I was born this Thursday, [42] years ago. And I feel stuck watching history repeating. Who am I just a kid who knows [s]he's needy... Let me know that you love you me. Let me know your touch. Let me know that you're near me, and let that be enough." -Switchfoot, Let that Be Enough

Douglas Adams infamatized the number 42 when he penned it as the answer to life, the universe and everything. But I'm sitting here now, age 42 and thinking I have fewer answers than I ever have, and probably more questions than ever too. 

I've grown a lot since I was 30, and even more since I was 20, and I think in your 40's is when you arrive at a place that gives you enough wisdom to operate in the world without causing turmoil, but maybe not enough wisdom to stay way from it altogether. I've enjoyed this phase of life, being able to pour into younger people of all ages, feeling like I'm established financially, socially, and spiritually. (Emotionally is its own mixed bag always, probably). I've enjoyed the long, stable friendships and the new fresh ones with new perspectives to learn from. I've seen a lot of trouble and it keeps rolling out in front of me like that ocean or the sky, on and on as far as you can see. But while I have suffered and struggled, I've also found a new kind of peace in being able to see that these things are temporary. Now I've lived long enough to know that I probably will outlive these particular trials, that they aren't going to make up my entire life, and there will be light on the other side. Maybe that's what 42 looks like.

That does not negate the pain, just the amount of heartache I have over the pain. This year has been one of the hardest ones I've experienced. There have been other hard years, phases. Maybe every 5-7 years one hits that's really just terrible. This one was one of those, where things just haven't aligned very well, and no one person in our family seems to be all the way OK at any given time. We're moving forward, though. I'm moving forward.

I learned things about forgiveness this year that I thought I'd learned all those years ago, during one of the hard years. I learned about humility, that mistakes other people make that hurt you are sourced in the same way your hurtful mistakes are, through sin and selfishness that keeps you from surrendering to God. I would much rather be superior and see myself as righteous than admit to any wrongdoings. But the work of forgivenses is deciding to release that control and seeing yourself just as desperately in need of mercy as the person who wronged you. 

I learned about love in new ways too, how love can almost kill you with how much it hurts, to be attached to someone who's failed you and will continue to fail you (not my husband, FTR). I've felt the pain of betrayal in a way I never knew I could, a way I thought I'd escaped in my twenties and wouldn't have to ever deal with. Lots of people can betray you, but when it's your friend in ministry, it cuts deeply, into your spirit as well as your heart. 

I've felt the pain of having a child who can't seem to find success even though she tries so hard, and who can't seem to get a win in any arena. You're helpless to fix it, and you become the target of their frustration. It's heart wrenching on both accounts. Teenagers are harder than I thought they'd be. Loving a child through their growing up is a challenge and if I'd known what it would look like before I had babies, I never would have signed up.

But in all these things, Love puts its perfection on top and seeps through all of the cracks and fills them up like kintsugi pottery, cracks repaired with gold, cracks repaired by a perfect God who cares more, cries more, and loves better than any of us ever could. Consolation in hurting comes from Jesus, who also suffered a life of not belonging, of betrayal, and who still gets betrayed by those he loves every day. I betray Him in my own life, and it's foolish to blame a betrayer for all of the damage you experience from the betrayal. It's easier to do that, but in the end it just hurts it more. Consolation for my hurting child comes in realizing the pain God felt as Jesus sacrificed himself, as God relinquished his own son for our healing and reconsiliation. Consolation in all of my failures comes from the cross, where Jesus' blood covers all of my own failures and faults and allows me to have Love as my own and to experience it personally.

I experienced that love through the hardest moments--God whispering to my heart, "Love believes all things, bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." Over and over and over. When I want to say it does fail, He proves that He doesn't fail.  When my love fails my kids, His love perfects them. When I know that my love isn't strong enough to believe, His is. When I feel like I can't bear any more pain from loving, He gives me strength to in the way He loves me. And when I lose hope, He shows me there is still hope. My love does fail, and all of my peoples' love fails me, but God doesn't, and He can make things new and better even in failure, loss, and pain. 

So in spite of the great cost of loving this year, God has woven His love into the wounds and repaired, generously giving me all that I need, patiently sewing, pouring and rebuilding what I can't fix for myself. Filling me back up with all that I poured out.

I don't believe in new year resolutions and I've never been a fan of that thing where people come up with a word for their year. Like you could possibly plan that. But last month God very clearly gave me the word renewal. Not for 2024 or even for age 42, but renewal in all things that this last year left me with. He's the only one who can redeem the stuff, so I'm hoping and beleiving in Him for that. Renewal.

Favorites from the Year

 Some of the things I liked in 2023

Best Fiction: A Girl Named Sampson by Amy Harmon This is a story about a girl who joins the American Revolution disguised as a man. While the characters aren't all exactly realistic, it was an engaging story that gave a human face to some of the battles we've read about in history. That was what I enjoyed about it. 

The Last Thing He Told Me - I was in a book club last spring, which was good motivation to read some fiction books I wouldn't normally read. This one was probably the favorite one out of all of them. It kept you guessing the whole time, a mystery with a little bit of action. Basically, the wife finds that her husband has disappeared with just a message to her to protect his daughter. So she and the daughter go on a hunt to figure out what happened to him, trying to avoid marshalls and FBI agents and uncover the truth about who he is. It was strangely familiar to a crime podcast I listened to, but that's another story...

Best Classic: 
Farenheit 451 - This is probably my all-time favorite science fiction/dystopian novel. I've read it multiple times. We also did that in my book club. Every time I read it, it feels more relevant, and every time I see more insightful truths come from it. If you haven't read it, definitely make time this year to and think about the way we consume media, and the way we use books. It's fascinating.

Best Non-Fiction

The theme for my non-fiction this year was "suffering". I read multiple books in this category and I would highly recommend them all. I think my favorite one was...
Suffering by Paul David Tripp - I actually purchased this to give to a friend who was going through cancer, but as I started to read it I just couldn't stop. While we were watching our daughter have surgeries in the hospital this year, the words from David Tripp about suffering felt so relevant, and so assuring. He breaks down different traps suffering people can fall into, and then breaks down the consolations we receive from our relationship with Jesus.

Honorable mentions in this category: Suffering and the Heart of God by Diane Langberg, and Prayer in the Night by Tish Warren Harris. Also about suffering. There were a lot of other books about other topics I read, but those were my favorites this year.

Favorite Podcasts:

The Roys Report - Julie Roys reports about things happening in the Church, mostly abuse and scandals. I find her to be pretty unbiased most of the time, and I appreciated the topics of choice as I worked through my own church issues. It's good to have a big picture and a bigger perspective about some things. I love how much she cares about people who are oppressed and hurting.

The Deck Investigates - This is a deep dive into a specific crime (usually a murder). While I can't listen to them all the time, I do like the true crime podcasts. I try not to overdo it.

Batman Unburied - Not the most wholesome (none of these are I guess) and definitely not family friendly. These are like those somewhat less appealing offshoot comics that don't get any fame. Intriguing mysteries that leave you guessing what will happen. There are some REALLY funny commercials in some of them too.

Literary Life - Some homeschool people talking about different works of literature and how it fits into the lens of modern society. This one is wholesome and educational.

Favorite Music:

Music taste really does change over time, doesn't it? I never wanted to be one of those old people who only listened to music from their time, but I often find myself digging out some 80's and 90's these days, even songs I hated at that time remind me of being young and dumb, and somehow I enjoy them. Some other musicians I've appreciated this year:

John Mark McMillan - I've been familiar with some of his music before, but this year I listened to all of the albums and dove into the lyrical wealth of his poetry. I wish his voice were different, and I personally thinks he needs a producer and final tuner to fix some imbalances in the sound, but I overlook those things because I really just like the stuff he says.

Iron Bell Music - We've sung some of their songs in church but I stumbled onto some I hadn't heard and found myself listening on repeat through a hard time this summer. "My Confidence" and "Faithfulness" were my top songs on spotify this year.

Chris Renzema - I knew about him, but I hadn't listened much until this year. The man knows some stuff about hard times and healing, and the upbeat sounds of his songs is encouraging on days when I'd rather listen to sad songs. Sometimes I listen and feel conviction and sometimes I find comfort, but it's been ministering to me all year at different phases of forgiveness.

Billy Joel - Again, this was obviously not the first year I've ever heard Billy Joel music, but I decided to listen through every one of his albums this year to note the similarities and his influience over other music of the time. I very much enjoyed doing that, although I only REALLY like about 1/4 of the songs. The radio hits aren't as insightful as some of the more unplayed ones, so if you feel like following that trail check it out and tell me what you think.

Judah Akers of Judah and the Lion - Maybe he isn't the best role model in the world, but he writes songs about God's love and sometimes I just need to sit and soak that in. I also enjoy the band music but it's a different vibe. 

Favorite Series/TV

I watch more than I should and I'd probably be ashamed to admit everything I've spent time on this year. The mainstays were The Office and Parks and Rec because sometimes I just want to laugh. I've been enjoying "The Irrational" this winter. I like detective shows, and this particular detective is a behavioral science professor. And a burn survivor. I really like that element of it, just because it's something a little different as far as weaknesses go, and I always like when the world normalizes things that are already normal in our lives.

I bought a trial of Paramount Plus so I could catch up on what's happening in the Star Trek universe. That was worth it. Picard season 3 did not disappoint (like season 2 did), and for the most part I very much enjoyed Strange New Worlds, which keeps the continuity of the original series and the next Generation pretty well, also preserving the individualized plot lines for each episode, while at the same time the ongoing interpersonal crew drama. I like Captain Pike and the take on young Spock is my favorite part I think.

Also over the last two years I've watched every episode of Law and Order SVU and Organized Crime. I don't know... it just got out of hand and then I needed to fill in the gaps between what was showing now and what I missed in the... you know, 20 years since I started watching back in the day. My sister has been watching also so we discuss the various things about it, mostly the different ADAs who come on the show, since that is my sister's profession. I don't necessarily recommend the show, but I love the detectives' chemistry and all of the interpersonal drama. I don't think anyone watches that show for the cases.

Well, that's a summary of some hits this year. Of note, I finished reading through the Bible, something I started in 2020. I'd decided to do that instead of taking a clipped pace to get through it in a year, and then not having time to read other things and savor what I was reading. The Psalms meant a lot to me this fall as I entered a phase of depression. And at the same time I started studying 1 and 2 Timothy with my home Bible study. So that's that. Tell me some of your favorites in the comments.