I've been writing in journal/diary since I was 12 years old. It started with some really stupid shallow posts and slowly matured as I did. I don't have as much of a chance to do it anymore, but from age 15-25 it was at least a weekly habit, often daily. The majority of the journals are in green notebooks of some form or another.
Yesterday I pulled the one from '95-96, thinking my 13-year-old would enjoy reading her mom's adolescent thoughts and seeing how similar to hers they are. Do I want my kids to read all about my crush on so-and-so hottie? Not especially. Do I want them to read random play-by-plays from camp and family vacation and Bible quiz meets? That's not really a big deal. I didn't write about my worst mistakes usually, and the worries I actually wrote out were pretty shallow. There is one thing I want them to see if they ever read through those diaries, though.
I was a girl who loved Jesus. I trusted him and followed him in ways I think I've forgotten how to, and maybe am just not capable of anymore. When you're young you haven't yet learned to harness some of your big feelings, to temper your view of the world, and filter through some of the lies. There's this unbridled passion for the things you see as important, and an obsession with love and friendship and community. You're full of big ideals and foolish plans. You also aren't as jaded. You see the world with your starry eyes, hopeful of the future and full of wonder, experiencing things for the first time.
I used to write songs. I'd almost completely forgotten doing this. I was really hoping I'd get some spiritual gift and be able to play piano without ever learning it (my parents couldn't afford a piano until I was 18), so I'd just write the lyrics to songs. like a lot. They're embarrassingly pedestrian now, but the heart behind them was so pure. So sweet. I just wanted to worship my Jesus.
Sometimes when I look back at myself, I can see how much I've matured and grown. I know that I have a deeper faith and a truer view of God. but I feel that I'm missing that pure heart that just wanted to worship and serve Jesus with my whole life. I still want to, but I also don't find hope and reality grounded in happy-go-lucky Jesus and me kind of lifestyle some people still manage to find. I've been damaged and I don't know how to fix that. When you go through a great deception in your spiritual life, or a spiritual trauma from a church, it changes your spirit. I don't trust preachers. I question everything that happens to my spirit and I've built up walls to keep myself from being seen. My life is so good, and my faith is this steady part of my life. It's rich and deep and full of real life examples of hope and truth and God's power. But sometimes I wish I could go back to that reckless trust, the freedom of knowing that He heals every hurt and not wondering how and when that healing comes. I sometimes think I'd take that naive heart over the grief that's led me closer to the cross. I know I can't, and I know that I'm better now than I was then. Even in my faith, I'm better. I think it was wide from a young age, with lots of knowledge and truth to build on. But it's deeper now, dug with trenches of loss and grief and questions and doubts. Still I think there's a place for that girl I used to be and I've been doing some thinking about how to get back there, back to where I began, still holding the wisdom of age that I now have. Is it possible to go around to your beginnings and find yourself back there, wiser and stronger, not just beat up? Is it worth the fight to find that joy again? Is it Jesus calling to me from my own past, showing me that my heart can still be made soft and joyful and pure?
This song encapsulates those feelings I often have when I'm looking in the rearview mirror. I've always loved this song, and I'm finding it more relevant now than I did the first time I heart it. Ironically, it is from a singer who hit his popularity peak right in the thick of my own youth. seems fitting.
I grew tired of not letting go
As the promise land spread out
Beyond that old dirt road
I looked in my rear view mirror
And watched as my past slipped away
Like the dust cloud that rolled
From the back of that old Chevrolet
I gave you my heart with a promise
That I would never turn around
You led me out of that wilderness
Before the dust had settled down
(Chorus)
And I loved you like the air I breathe
And you filled my empty heart
And I wore my faith out on my sleeve
Like a fire in the dark
I was willing to do anything
Eager to make a stand
I was a passionate boy
Make me a passionate man
My good intentions
Like water under the bridge
Have I thrown away the pearl
That made my life so rich
I remember the promise
That I would never turn
Won't you take and rekindle the flame
The flame that used to burn
And I'll love you like the air I breathe
And you fill my empty heart
And I'll wear my faith out on my sleeve
Like a fire in the dark
I am willing to do anything
Eager to make a stand
I was a passionate boy
Make me a passionate man
