Sometimes you just don't feel it. The lights are all on, sparkling in the winter darkness. The kids are dressed up, the tree is up with its nostalgic ornaments, the books are read, cards are sent, the presents are wrapped, and you're just... blue. You WANT to feel the happiness that everyone around you seems to be reveling in. You want to get that childlike feeling of anticipation, and you want to enjoy the time with your loved ones. But it just isn't happening.
Last year was one of those years. We were getting our ceilings replaced on our entire living area due to "the storm" and the damage that happened in the summer. This was the only time it would happen, ten days before Christmas. We moved to my parent's house like I was in college all over again, and spent the fun week leading up to christmas watching movies and sitting around without a lot to do. While my beautiful, peaceful, organized house, was turned inside-out and completely covered in construction ruins. When the work finished, we got to go home but there was more work for me to do than I could even manage in a month. Painting, dusting, moving furniture, re-organizing. We got to work, and Christmas was just another thing on my eternal to-do list. A burden. There would be no fun decorations in my disastered house this year. We did buy a fake tree to put up and I somehow got the presents wrapped (actually a family from church came over and did them all) and no one complained. The kids probably didn't ever realize how sad I felt, deep inside of my heart. I don't think anyone really understood.
But then I realized that's sort of what Christmas is actually about. About a baby who came into a disorganized, chaotic world full of people who were wandering around without purpose, feeling forgotten and alone. His name means "God With Us". And he didn't show up to a neatly organized home with happy smiles and a cozy fire and perfectly baked cookies. He showed up in a barn to a mom who maybe wasn't really ready for her life to change like that, and a dad who probably wondered how the heck he was going to get it all put together and make things okay. And then God invited some messy sheperds to join the party. That was the beginning, but the big Story was God just coming in man form to be with the people. To live among them, to show them himself, to eat with them and celebrate with them and show them he saw and understood all the things that made them human. He cried when they mourned; he feasted when they celebrated; he joined the traditions and recognized the holidays, knowing that they were all reflecting pieces of his Father and of Him. And he knew, maybe even as a baby, that his life was coming to an end that would involve great suffering.
I think that it's okay to not feel it at Christmas. Sometimes you just know the upcoming year will be full of stuff you don't want to do, full of more suffering, maybe more of the same stuff you hate. Sometimes you see the year that's passed and wish it had been different. You can put a positive spin on it all, you can see God working in it, but it isn't "happy". Sometimes that feeling can overwhelm you too, and sometimes you just don't want to celebrate like everyone else. But someitmes all they're celebrating is lights and trees and a guy in a red suit and family nearness and some nebulous "spirit of christmas". And that's not really what I'm into. What I celebrate at Christmas is a package: You can't take the holiday lights and trees and presents without the deeper things. Just like you can't have the angels singing without the dirty shepeherds. You can't have the beautiful Mary and Joseph without the mess they were in. You don't get wise men and gifts without a long hard journey. And you can't take the baby Jesus without taking his future death. But with that death is also resurrection, new beginnings, and eternal life. And I think that being blue at Christmas is a way of bringing it together, of finding the hope that's still in the manger, the hope of Jesus, and knowing that our "light and momentary suffering is producing in us a far great weight of glory." If you suffer, you get Jesus in that suffering. If you're sad, you get Jesus in that sadness. And He knows. He sees. He's God With Us. Forever.
Matthew 1:23 "All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet: 'Behold the virgin shall conceive and bear a son and you shall call his name Immanuel, which means God With Us.'"
